Dreamers and Reapers

A heavy chest and a closed mouth.

~They are looking for me.

I had almost forgotten about it.

The last time I had sleep paralysis before yesterday’s events was almost a year ago. I had began thinking that I was cured of it. Is there a cure though?

The first time I had sleep paralysis was when I was 6 years old. I was sleeping with my mother and younger sister when I woke up. However, for some reason I couldn’t talk or move my body. I tried to reach out to my mother but the more I tried to reach her, my arms started getting shorter. I wanted to scream and get up but it was all in vain.

Since that day, I had regular episodes of sleep paralysis. By regular I mean twice in a month or sometimes twice in a week. I don’t remember telling anyone about it. Neither did I know how to research on a matter such as this. With time, I literally got used to it. I could either try to gain control over my body or just go with the flow and enjoy the hallucinations.

So things took a turn for the worst when I started to get depressed. The reason I may talk about in my future posts but that’s for another day. It happened when I was in class 11 & 12. I was getting very tired and needed to sleep twice a day. Twice a day, it was a nightmare because I had sleep paralysis twice a day. Believe me when I say that it can scare the living light out of you.

So I told a classmate about it and with her help I looked it up. You can read about it here. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis

I still did not tell my parents about it and maybe I should have. I stopped sleeping and they realized that. When they took me to the doctor I was diagnosed with typhoid and anxiety. I was given sleeping pills and anti-depressants.

The Experience

I cannot even begin to explain how it feels to have sleep paralysis twice day. The moment I put my head on the pillow I knew it had begun. I always knew I was dreaming and when I woke up I couldn’t move a muscle. If I decided to give in, I was exposed to the most horrifying hallucinations. Everything I feared or everyone I feared to lose were in front of me. Spiral staircases, room full of mirrors, room without a door or window etc.

It was scary because many a time when I woke up I wasn’t sure if I was still dreaming or I had woken up. I had began to lose track of reality. Conversations I had in reality, I thought I was dreaming about them or vice versa. You begin to think you’re crazy or mental. That’s exactly what I thought.

I started keeping a diary by my bed and I’d note down what I would dream or hallucinate every night/day.

Here’s an excerpt.

I am walking with my classmates when all of a sudden I slip and fall. However, I’m under a bed and I see several other beds, and people walking. I assume I’m at a hospital. All of a sudden people stop walking and I see their feet in the air. I immediately come out of hiding and they’re all hanging from the ceiling. Mass Suicide. At least, that is what it looked to me. I screamed and tried to run but my legs paralyzed. I dragged myself up to the door while the hanging corpses stared at me with their eyes gazed at me. Their face turned pale and then quickly purple. Then they began to rot. I tried opening the door but I couldn’t. I closed my eyes and cried. I couldn’t even scream!

I woke up and realized that it was all a dream and I couldn’t move my body. Sleep paralysis. I drifted into a hallucination where I saw the faces of all those people whose bodies were hanging in the hospital. Intricate details of their faces and features. Then, I finally woke up.

NowIMG_20160804_160629

After my class 12 I moved to Dehradun for my further studies and in the past 2 year I’ve only had sleep paralysis 3-4 times and I am very thankful for that.

I do intend to write more about those dreams and hallucinations once I find my diary. Maybe you could help me in interpreting them, unless they’re not you’re cup of tea. I apologize for the long post but I’ve never put down my feelings about something I’m scared of.

~I hope it doesn’t happen tonight.

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